I don’t know what you would call this?  This is kind of an open letter, kind of a…?

I made my mum cry last night. (That’s a first for me.)  She called to tell me she had seen the blog and read the post Driving Under the Influence of Orgasm.  It came about after I had gently teased her the week before.  Dad, my brothers and friends had visited the blog and  I joked that she, my mother, my own flesh and blood, had not yet taken the time.  In a very mild way, I was disappointed.

I now understand better why she had been “putting it off”. I had underestimated the effect it would have on her.  Here is a woman who has read volumes of Mills and Boon.  (Yeah sure, I knew my post would have taken it up a notch or two.)  But while maybe not her preferred reading, I figured mum would be able to view it as, (hopefully) a well written piece.  Extrapolate her daughter from the story…

If my mum, (who knows me better than I know myself) is unable to do this, maybe others also close to me would be unable too.  Hence the trigger for this post.

So I explained that Driving Under the Influence of Orgasm had been categorised as a “Fantasy” post.  That all the fantasy stories written by me, may or may not be based on real life.  (This is eluded to in the About and Contact pages- am I the only one that reads these things?!  At any rate I did a good job of making this fantasy post real it seems.  Ok, so in this case perhaps much of it was.  I did own a Datsun 120Y ;-)

I told mum I wanted the reader to decide for themselves whether something did or didn’t happen.  Even if I wrote a post about intergalactical or paranormal sex, (it’s in the post) I hoped that I would write well enough that people would think the characters and their experiences are all real.  My aim is to make the reader live it as I had, or as I had imagined or both.

Not in a million years would I want to hurt my mum.  It’s even more gut wrenching having to hear her quivering voice on the telephone line with thousands of miles between us.  I cannot hold her and reassure her in person.  We can’t casually discuss the whys and whatfors over a glass of wine.

I cannot come to her aid, (the way I would like) in making her friends and family understand my drive.  Being so far away, it will prove difficult for them to challenge me directly, so I can bat concerns out of the ball park.

In an attempt to redress the balance between the explicit nature and virtues of this blog, (and in time our shop) I described to her the Coax Manifesto.  You can read it here.

The thing is, I really feel as if I have been blessed that my mum was chosen/ came to be, well, my mum.  I love the woman so much, sometimes I think she is unreal.  Mum is so full of “good” that she surely couldn’t be real.  It’s as if she is a living angel or at least an angel exists inside her human body.  No I am not kidding.  I have been quietly convinced of this unabated for some time.  Although I have never outwardly spoken of my suspicions to her.

I have met no one, (and I have met quiet a few folk) that can match her qualities.  There is no one more kind, considerate, giving, intuitively astute, loving, emotionally strong and loyal.  The woman is honestly incapable of causing pain or grief.  And remarkably in all my years, never once have I heard her say a bad word about anyone, (even with good reason to) EVER.

If I turn out to be half the woman that she is, then I know I will be extraordinary.

So it is with deepest regret that I have caused the woman I love and admire most, some emotional angst.  I am ever so sorry to have hurt you Mum.  It certainly was never my intention.

At the same time, I feel safe in the knowledge that the path I am on is the right one.  I know it will become easier for everyone once the Coax London shop is live.  Then you will be able to see our elegant products.  It will give you a new, more beautiful perspective, one based not just in words.

For now it’s a path that will become illuminated in time.  This is just the beginning.  As this little blog grows it will develop into my vision.  A vision I hope inspires.  I suppose mum and others will have to trust my judgement as I grow and learn this blogging curve.  Regardless of my penchant for C words or colourful imaginings, I have a strong confidence, mum’s tears will become those of pride that will prevail.

Mum, of all the women in this world it is you that have taught me most about love.  How to give it and how to receive it.  It is the type of love you have shown me that I have aspired and emulate in my relationships.  In many respects you are my muse, one that is lifelong.

When you read the Coax Manifesto I think it is obvious to see the influence you instilled in our core values.  You will see the integrity we have for love, our openness, wanting what is best for our partners that permeate our beliefs.  These qualities are tempered with our view on sex…

Mum, after all it was in your infinite wisdom when you once said that, “a man wants a lady of the house… but a whore in the bedroom”.  (I’ll write a post putting the sentence in context.) Rightly or wrongly, I have taken (elements of) this to heart.

To the Coax Manifesto

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  Olivia x

So tell me, have you ever done something that has upset the ones that you love, but you have remained steadfast and have turned the situation around?  It would be great to hear from you.